I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
