i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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