Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
