so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
