im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
