I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize