Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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