i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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