UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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