I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
