I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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