Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
