i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
