I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
