i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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