tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
