Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
