I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
