Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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