I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have already put on my inside pants.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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