Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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