Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
