She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
