I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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