I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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