Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
