Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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