once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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