I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So much rum. So many feels.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
