Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
