When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
