i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
