I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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