Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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