My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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