I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
