why didn't you poke me back
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
be right there i have to get my cape
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
