I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
