dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
