i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
