oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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