remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
