People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
