Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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