Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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