his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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