I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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