i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
