Capitaan dildo arrescate!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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