I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
