I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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