the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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