so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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