i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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