I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
