the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
