woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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