Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
