Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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