If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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